As many experiences as I have had, it will always be a unique path on which you will always learn something new about yourself, your friends and lovers, and the community as a whole. In three short years I have gone from being in a vanilla marriage, to a single female in the lifestyle, and then to being a part of a couple in the lifestyle. Each experience has taught me more about myself, like how to be more open and honest with the people who are so important in my life, but more importantly with myself.
When I first started going to parties I had no clue what I was doing. I didn’t know about boundaries and rules. As I played my way through different events I eventually learned how each person and couple had different limits. They were always open and honest about what their rules were. Because I already knew that respect of other people is the number one rule in life and the lifestyle I respected everyone I met and never tried to push myself onto anyone or make anyone uncomfortable with my behavior. I soon had the same respect that I gave to them.[pullquote_right] I already knew that respect of other people is the number one rule in life and the lifestyle[/pullquote_right]
I met a couple early on in my adventures that had the rule that he was not allowed to play with single women. The female half was worried that a single female may try to steal her husband away from her. It didn’t take long for her to see that I respected their rules and nothing would ever happen between her husband and I unless she gave the ok. She came to trust me enough that I became the first single female he was allowed to play with. After that, word started to spread through the lifestyle community about the type of person I was. I was honest, trustworthy, respectful and would never push anyone past their limit. Since then I have made many friends because I follow the simple words my mom told me, “Treat others how you want to be treated.”
After being in the lifestyle just over a year I met someone who was also in the lifestyle. We talked for a few months before actually meeting so he knew who I was and what my experiences were. I learned the same about him and we talked about things we still wanted to try in the future. Neither one of us was looking for anything serious and when we finally decided to meet, we thought it would be a one time thing. We went to a lifestyle club for our first date and by the end of the evening we knew there was more between us. We have been together ever since.[pullquote_left]Treat others how you want to be treated[/pullquote_left]Being part of a couple in the lifestyle was new to me but not to him. As a single I didn’t have the rules and limits that couples did. As our relationship quickly grew I was unaccustomed to thinking of someone else’s feelings other than my own. Making sure he was ok with me going off to play alone with someone at a party was something I had to make a priority of doing. Communication was never one of my best qualities, but since starting out on what can be the scary path of the lifestyle it has grown in leaps and bounds. I have found that when you are surrounded by people who are so open about themselves it eventually wears off on you. Now I find it easy to talk with others and most especially my partner about things that may bother me and the things that I find highly arousing.
With all of the ups and downs of regular life, kids, jobs, medical issues and anything else that might come along, the communication my partner and I have doesn’t change. We regularly talk about normal life and our swinging life and how the two may overlap. After parties, as we’re driving home, we discuss the events of the night. We have found that our rules are being slightly altered on almost a weekly basis as we come across situations that we haven’t encountered before. We make sure to discuss each issue thoroughly and to understand where our partner is coming from. Sometimes one partner may have to make a small sacrifice for the greater good of the relationship. But you realize quickly that a small issue now can cause a bigger problem later in your relationship.
Being in such an open relationship now shows me what I was truly missing during my marriage. Having to pretend that you are someone you aren’t because you know you spouse won’t approve can make for a very lonely life. My ex thought I just wanted to have fun outside our relationship because he thought I wasn’t happy with him, that it was all about the sex. I did get into the lifestyle thinking thats all it was about. I learned quickly that sex is only a small part of it. The relationships you build with people, whether they become your lovers or not, is more important to me now then the sex will ever be. If my partner and I decided that we will only play with each other in the future, I will be perrfectly happy with that, but we will never give up the friends that we have made.